My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
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Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
meanwhile over on facebook
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Based Erika
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth