My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
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My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.