My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
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*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.