My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
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If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.