My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
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Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.