my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
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Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
March 16
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Wedding planning is organized crime.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine