My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
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why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*