My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
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I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT