My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
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Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Cashiers are always checking me out
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies