My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
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“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
A leaf blower, but for people.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.