My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
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If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.