My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
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Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…