My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
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The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
secret recipe
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.