My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
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wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Okay
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.