My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
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Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
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This took me a second..
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket