My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
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I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.