@Cycloptomese

My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!

Me: Impressive feet!

You Might Also Like

@betulesairafi

I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.

@simoncholland

I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.

@wviechtb

What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?

@Jenny4ashley

My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.

@AbbyHasIssues

Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.

@TheBoydP

Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.

@SJKSalisbury

There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.

@envydatropic

I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor

@That_Damn_Duck

I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.