My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!

Me: Impressive feet!

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I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.


I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.


What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?


My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.


Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.


Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.


There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.


I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor


I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.