My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
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A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Oceanography is all about current events
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
I did not eat the cake…
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
watergate? u mean a dam??
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe