My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
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Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Quadruple digit IQ
Never forget.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”