My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
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5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.