My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
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My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
6: are snakes just neck?
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.