My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
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big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Customize Your Wedding.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]