My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
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I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
tourist season
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!