My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
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I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now