@VaguelyFunnyDan

My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage

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@so_amused

‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC

@bonehugsnirony

I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.

@9GAG

Not sure how to cuddle propawly

📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG

@Jake_Vig

Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself

@bewgtweets

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

@Daveastated

My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.

*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car

@FredTaming

inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome

inventor of vests: disagree

inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them

@blade_funner

(me as a paramedic)

*rubbing two cymbals together*

Clear!

*slams cymbals together*

WAKE UP!

@bingowings14

If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.

@brianbowman73

I heard you like bad boys?

*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*

Sup.