My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
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ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.