“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
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Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.