My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
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Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet