My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
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bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true