My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
You Might Also Like
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Heroic Misunderstanding
