My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
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New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos