My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
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Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles