My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
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Hard not to take this personally
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
first you must answer his riddles
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.