Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm

Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go

Kid: why do I have to do that?

Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies

Kid:

Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust

friend: i’m just going to date myself

me: you can do better

Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.

Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance

fun fact: nike is short for nichael

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?

ME: shape shifting

INTERVIEWER: is that so?

INTERVIEWER: yes

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery

Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…

except when it rains.

Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!

Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!

Me: “Breath mint?”

Her: “Sure.”

M: “Don’t mean to offend.”

H: “None taken.”

M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”

[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N

Note to self: always read the final line

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.

what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat

Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.

Him: You’re some eye candy.

Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.

2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive

Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: I said no.

“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself

Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.

Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway

Cop: Can I see some ID?

Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]

Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge

To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.

It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.

I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi

If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.

Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!