My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
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My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Tuesday
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”