My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
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[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]