My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
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GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized