My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
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OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.