My wife is playing hard to get.

Rid of.

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Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?

Nothing this big stays secret.

Just Google them.

There’s probably a torrent somewhere.


Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.


I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.


My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂


I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.


Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.


Your an idiot.
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.


Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?


Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan


You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.