@shanethevein

My wife is playing hard to get.

Rid of.

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@RebelJynRebels

Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?

Nothing this big stays secret.

Just Google them.

There’s probably a torrent somewhere.

@devonellis_

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.

@HatfieldAnne

I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.

@hmcpherson17

My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂

@amusedbyu

I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

@causticbob

Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.

@AndyAsAdjective

Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.

@lisaxy424

Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?

@online_shawn

Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

@secondofhername

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.