My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
You Might Also Like
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret