My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
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A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.