My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
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me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird