My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.