My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
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It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Rt to bother an English speaker
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.