My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
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Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Haha good job!!
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?