@robdelaney

My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.

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@dril

my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl

@GabbbarSingh

Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety

@noog

The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost

@RunOldMan

I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.

@behindyourback

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

@ninatreemonkey

Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich

@aboynamedbobby

and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area