My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
You Might Also Like
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
🤣✨#caturday
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.