My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
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The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.