Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.

I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE

“Morning guys”

“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”

– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses

Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.

i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress

8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff

Me: like what?

8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension

Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother

8yo: what older brother?

Me: exactly!

If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.

The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.

DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”

ME: “I understand.”

DOCTOR: “Exactly.”

{1st day as a correctional therapist}

Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-

Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*

Me: OF YOUR MIND

Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*

Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*

Man: dog is my best friend

Dog: man is aight I guess

A Pringles Tube but for Donuts

Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.

wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!

me: omg u think im pretty?

I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised

found this cool rock hiking today

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.

what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??

Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.

And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.

On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.

It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.

[on a Ferris wheel]

Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding

*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*

I wish I had a better metabolism

[Argument at family dinner]

Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.

Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.

“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars

I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.

Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids