My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
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Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
who did the taste test?
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
i- i did not expect this
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife