My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
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Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning