My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
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The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Twitter is an abusement park.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.