My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
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They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Check out the legs on this baby
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Cha-ching is my safe word
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.