To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
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Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
Did I get it?
Judge: We have no idea
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*takes a nap*
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Drunk again huh?”
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me: Can you bring me a shirt?