My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
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Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Seems kinda suspicious
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.