My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.

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To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.


Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.


pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.


[spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is McConaughey

M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?

Judge: We have no idea


*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*


Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.


*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
“Drunk again huh?”


You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.

You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.

Anyway, I lost an eye today.


wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?